Am I Good Enough?

"You know yourself better than anyone else"

To what extent is this phrase true?

When I think about this, there are 2 main contrasting ways you can see this:

1. Sometimes other people see you in a way you can't see yourself. The phrase "I wish you see in yourself what I see in you" is often used here.
   
   
2. On the other hand, there are times when you know that the way others see you isn't representative of your qualities. This may be in relation to negative traits or lack of skill.

Engin Akyurt | Pexels

I have been thinking a lot lately about the way I view myself and how much of that is derived from the way that others view me, or my interpretation how others may view me. This has mainly in regard to ability but can also apply to personality traits to. It's a battle we're all familiar with.

As lost as I sometimes feel at university, it's also made me become more aware of my strengths, or at least my ability to be able to build on my weaknesses.

Of course, this doesn't apply to my whole university experience, but this is something that I feel like is emphasised within the Psychology Department. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, buy my lecturers are very keen on promoting the process of learning and gaining experience regardless of where you are this present time. They are genuinely keen on helping you make progress.

This is contrary to school, where you would constantly be reminded of your weaknesses, told to work on them, but not actually be given the opportunity to do so. Even just thinking about it fills me with that feeling of pure frustration. Just to clarify, I did have some lovely teachers, but in general (and it's something you probably see in most schools) there was a bias towards those pupils who were classed as 'intelligent' or who were more outspoken and confident. This bias also appears extremely apparent upon the way that peers judge and treat each other as well.

This was something I touched on in my 'Every Mind Matters' post, but if you weren't seen to be intelligent or socially confident and outspoken, there was a barrier put up against you when you wanted to take on opportunities to enhance your weaknesses or perhaps to prove that you're not as incapable as people perceive you to be.

It's funny if you think about it because getting good grades doesn't automatically make you good at everything else. Neither does being outspoken make you good at debates or public speaking.  Despite that, that's how some people seem to think it works. I used to constantly hear comments along the lines of "It's always X who gets the opportunity to do Y..." by other pupils who longed for the chance to partake in activities they were interested in but were never given the chance because they weren't granted to be "good enough" purely on the basis of others' assumptions about their abilities. The majority of the time, these assumptions were inferences derived from factors that were completely unrelated such as what set (for classes) they were in.

Gerd Altmann | Pixabay

The problem here is how can anyone make progress if they're not given the chance to and why do we make inferences that someone isn't adequately competent without having given them the chance to prove themselves? All these opinions essentially turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy as a result. Is it at this point where we start losing confidence in ourselves?

The scenario I have just described  is a reason why we may eventually realise that what we thought were our biggest weaknesses, actually are our greatest strengths. The only reason why we believed that they were our weaknesses in the first place is probably because of others' opinions or our evaluations of what they think about our abilities.

A personal example is that I've come to realise that public speaking, delivering  presentations and leadership are strengths of mine. The irony of this is that if you have a casual conversation with me you probably wouldn't see me in these kinds of positions. If you don't know me in person and only read my blog, it may well be that you will get different impressions about what my personality and skills are. To give you some context, I was known to be the "quiet" girl in school, and I don't like being in large crowds. I also started off being in the lowest sets for every single subject in secondary school and was still going through my phonics in Year 3 because my teachers thought I didn't know them (I did... let's just say social communication was a struggle).

Initially, I don't seem like someone who would do well presenting in front of an audience or is "tough" enough or confident enough to be a leader either. However, given the opportunity, I can do it. Of course, being in front of large crowds makes me incredibly nervous no matter how many times I do it, but no one would even realise unless they speak to me afterwards and get to know my personality a bit more. Likewise, when I am put in a position where I have to be assertive and I have to communicate with and organise a group of people, I will efficiently get the job done.

However, up until the past few years I had always thought that these were my weak points. Knowing this, I tried to take up opportunities to build upon these areas but was usually denied. The last year of primary school I threw myself into the deep end and decided that I would try out for a narrator role in the Christmas play. Everyone was given the chance to read an extract, except from me. Simply on the basis that I wouldn't be good enough just because I was a shy child. There was also an instance where I had volunteered to be a form rep because no one else wanted to, and as soon as I did my own peers huddled up and started encouraging each other to volunteer because they didn't want me in the position. Why? Because they didn't believe that I had to qualities to do so for the same reasons as I've already outlined. Someone even indirectly told me that I should look for other university options because the likelihood of me getting accepted into Warwick was low. What was that on? The basis that they didn't think I had the academic intelligence to get an offer (possibly based on my past academic record). The admissions tutor obviously thought otherwise and I'm doing so much better academically now than I was in sixth form so that doesn't matter anymore.

If we don't start giving people the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to explore their abilities, we're denying them the chance to recognise their potential. Your opinions don't provide sufficient evidence to tell people that they're not good enough at something without having given them the chance to show you what they can do. They may not be amazing to start off with (as we all are) but give them the time and support and they will show you that they have potential. Other times, things just don't work out and that's okay as well, as long as we allow the individual to figure that out for themselves.

If you have found yourself in similar situations to what I have, you will understand how tiring it is to try and break down those barriers. Even more so when you are in this constant cycle of breaking them down only for them to be put right back up again.

Even if you had previously had faith in your own potential when others didn't, peoples' opinions of you eventually catch up. Especially after suppressing them for so long, there becomes a point where others' opinions of you start to matter more and it causes you to doubt yourself. They begin to weave into how we think about ourselves, no matter how many times we try to convince ourselves that "we don't care". They may even transmit into us believing that people who haven't even met us already have the same opinions, when really, they have no idea who you are or of your capabilities.

Bruce Mars | Pexels

This is what I'm currently trying to battle through. After years of trying to prove other people wrong, I now need to prove to myself that I am just as capable as anyone else. Those voices in your head telling you that you're not good enough are made up from the same degrading comments from the past. You managed to fight them off before, so don't let them put you down now.

How you see yourself - your self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth - it matters.

See that you have potential because you DO. Forget about those (probably now irrelevant) people who told you that you couldn't, because they're wrong - you CAN. There are people who believe that you can as well. As for that voice inside your head - take every opportunity you can and don't let it stop you, even if those applications fall though. If that voice inside your head is telling you not to because you're not going to be good enough or because you're going to embarrass yourself, that's more reason to go for it. I can tell you that I've sent through way over 20 emails and applications for numerous volunteering and other experience-y related / career-directed positions over these past few months, but those rejections will equate nothing to the moment when the right ones come by to help me find my ground.  

Accept what you have done and what you can do rather than criticise what you haven't.

Give yourself the opportunity to exceed your own expectations. Take inspiration from your child self who replied "yes I can" when one of your classmates told you that you couldn't. You didn't let other people stop you then, so don't let yourself stop you now.

Patrick Tomasso | Unsplash

I know I’m not the same person I was just over a year ago. I’ve changed. Some for the better, some for the worst.

I'm at a stage where my self-esteem and confidence play a vital role (more than they ever have done before) in not only my personal development, but also in the direction I take next in terms of my education and career progression. Sure, there are things that we don't have control over, but there are also things that we do have control over, and we need to realise what those things are to better ourselves against every other event that sets us down that we have no control over.

I want to go back and have just enough confidence in myself so that I can fight those comments that have been integrated into the little voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough, because I have the ability to work hard and progress. I want to be able to feel proud of my achievements again, even the minor ones. I want to be able to see myself in the positive light that those who support me do.

Eventually, I will.

I know that building myself back up is going to take time. Months. A year. A few years even. There are going to be some awful days that I won't be prepared for, but hopefully it will all be worth it.

At this moment in time, I know what I need to work on and I'm taking it as it comes.

If you're feeling the same way: We can do this.